John Newlyn’s Excuses

John Newlyn’s Excuses


We’ve received some incredibly clever excuses in our nine-year history with the Buzz Oates No Excuses 5k. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to send us an excuse or two. Some of our best friends like Bryan Hacker, Deb Paquin and Mike Antonucci have greatly entertained us with their lengthy lists of witty offerings. However, nobody has outdone the masterful John Newlyn when in comes to providing us with a steady stream of excuse humor. Over the last three years, John has provided us with over 120 excuses. We give him a complimentary entry after his first ten excuses every year but he just can’t help himself. Asked how he comes up with this stuff, John said, “It helps to grow up in a family that used dinnertime as a nightly family roast.”  

We hope you also get a chuckle from some of his excuses. Many of them have appeared on our race shirt over the last couple of years. I’m sure a few more will be featured on this year’s shirt. Enjoy!

1.  I was facing the wrong way at the starting line and had to run the whole race in reverse.

2.  It was an early morning mix-up involving runners lube and super glue.

3.  My regular stylist wasn’t available to give me my prerace aerodynamic haircut.

4.  I had my socks on the wrong foot.

5.  Shiny objects on the course distracted me.

6.  5K? Wha…I thought they said ‘5-day’.

7.  I was apexing the corners, ran wide on the exit, got collected by the marbles, lost traction and spun into the gravel trap. {F1 car racing fans will get this one}

8.  It was my plan to increase the average completion time.

9.  One word—‘chaffing’.

10.   As a professional foot model I have to avoid blisters at all times.

11.   I was leading the peloton for most of the race and used all my energy pulling everyone along in my draft. {Cycling fans might like that one}

12.   I mixed my races up and showed up at the starting line in my wet suit.

13.   I broke one of my shoe heals mid-race. <Raising fist over head> Damn you Manolo Blahnik and your running stilettos.

14.   Too many fans asking for my autograph.

15.   I stopped for a healthy breakfast.

16.   My watch was broken so I used a runner’s metronome.  It was set on the wrong beats per minute.

17.   If I win one more trophy, my wife will kick me out of the house.

18.   The tails on my racing tuxedo slowed me down.

19.   My shoes were tied too tight and all the blood rush to my head.

20.   Race? What race?

21. The Velcro couch would not release me.

22. I’m breaking in a new pair of house slippers and didn’t want them to lose their shape.

23.  Gilligan’s Island marathon–’nuff said.

24. I had to eat all the bean dip and chips before it want stale.

25.  My workout routine was all about the 12oz curls.

26. I stopped to smell the roses.

27. I put my Breathe Right Extra strip on backwards and almost suffocated.

28. I’m more concerned with style than speed.

29. I don’t sweat. It’s not a condition, it’s a choice.

30. My running shorts were at the dry cleaners so I had to run in a pair of cut off jeans.

31. I couldn’t find a sweat band that matched my socks.

32. I’m so polite that I kept letting people go before me.

33. I stopped to tip all the volunteers helping out with the water and electrolyte cups.

34. I carbo loaded exclusively using Miller Lite.

35. My mani-pedi appointment ran late.

36. A broadcast storm in my nervous system shut down the run servers. I had to use the backup walk servers instead.

37. I’m more of a 0.5k type runner.

38. My bib pins kept poking me.

39. I was running so fast the CHP pulled me over for speeding.

40. The starting gun scared me so I hid in the bushes until it was all clear.

41.  GPS error. Went left—shoulda gone right.

42. I only used one lung in this race.

43. Some evil genius slipped a subliminal message into my iPod playlist commanding me to slow down.

44. Gravity was extra strong that day. Atmospheric oxygen was low that day. (Two excuses for the price of one. Both are weak yes, but I’ll accept half credit for both and call it even.)

45. With a revolutionary new stride I’ve reduced my ground contact time to zero. The downside is that it reduced my mph to zero as well.

46. Too aggressive stretching pre-race resulted in Gumby legs.

47. The sun was in my eyes.

48. Forgot to inject grease into the Zerk fittings in my knees.

49. Bunny hopping up the hills slowed me down.

50. Somersaulting down the hills didn’t work very well either.

51. Instead of following the official race course, I took the scenic, touristy path.

52. My clutch was slipping.

53. I was updating my blog as I ran.

54. It was my birthday and the free Denny’s breakfast I had was huge and full of awesomeness.

55. I cherish my mid-race naps and absolutely refuse to give them up.

56. Traction control on my shoes was turned off.

57. I enjoyed the first mile so much I did it twice.

58. Cosmic rays were spiking so I wore my lead-lined suit for extra protection.

59. I pulled my Eustachian tube.

60. My runner’s high turned into runner’s munchies so I stopped for pizza.

61. My training plan was too heavily weighted with recovery days.

62.   I’m just in it for the free safety pins.

63.   If I’m first I won’t have any sexy backsides to  motivate me to continue.

64.   It’s a contest? I did not know that.

65.   Thought they were Goo packets, but ended up being horseradish.

66.   Had chili last night and had to fartlek. (I know this will not make the cut, but the 12-year old in me thinks it’s funny.)

67.   I have an extreme allergic reactions to lactic acid.

68.   I keep mixing up anaerobic and aerobic and pass out.

69.   I prefer to keep my resting heart rate and maximum heart rate as close together as possible.

70.   Tried to do a PB with my HRM set to MHR, but ended up as a  DNF with PF.

71.   I thought it was a one tenth rule, not the 10% rule.

72.   I was doing a lot of LSD, but apparently the wrong kind.

73.   I’m all about the free drinks!

74.   My religion requires that my running skorts be ankle length.

75.   I’m shy and don’t want all the media attention that goes with winning.

76.   I thought shin splints were an equipment recommendation, not a medical condition.

77.   I like the speedster to soften up the track for me first.

78.   Just hoping to improve from 4th percentile to 5th.

79.   Someone has to be last.

80.  That pesky restraining order from the excessive speed police prevent me from really turning it on.

82.   If I run at full speed the soles of my shoes catch on fire.

83.   I’m more pack animal than lone hunter.

84.   I don’t like wrinkling my running clothes.

85.   At full speed, my makeup smears, so I only run at half speed.

86.   I’m actually Superman, but don’t want anyone to know. So I just finish mid-field.

87.   I’m a professional foot model and can’t get blackened toe nails or blisters. It’s a job related thing.

88.   I like people and want to stay with the cool kids.

89.   When I run at my fastest pace, I’ve been known to wrinkle asphalt. And let me tell  ya’ those are expensive bills to pay to the County Roads Department.

90.   I like to take my time and smell the Gatorade.

91.   I look my best at an nine minute thirty five mile pace.

92.   If it were work I could understand rushing to finish. This is fun—enjoy it!

93.   I run like Johnny Cash, cook like Steve Prefontaine and sing like Julia Childs.

94.   Tried out a new fangled pair of running flip-flops. Yeah, you fill in the rest.

95.   My left leg is longer than the right and I keep veering into the curb.

96.   Forgot to stretch my toes.

97.   The three egg-a-muffin breakfast prep worked against me.

98.   FAA regulations restrain me to subsonic speeds below 5,000 feet altitude.

99.   I’m in the same age group as Rich Hanna and I don’t want to make him cry. Again.
100. Othopod. Arthropod. It really does matter what kind of expert you have help with your runner’s knees.

101.  I’m mean, so I shoot for the average time.

102.  You go after speed. I go after quality.

103.  I’m a faster walker than I am a runner.

104.  Hey, I’m just here for the chicks.

105.  All it takes is speed to be first. It take real courage to be last!

106.  Like a fine wine or Cuban cigar, I like to savor the race and enjoy to bouquet of the route.

107.  Over-hydration related potty stops slowed me down.

108.  I was drafting behind someone, but they were too slow.

109.  I was planning to release my kick at the fourth mile.

110.  Stopped to play a few holes before finishing the run.

111.  Sequestration related training budget cuts…

112.  It’s not that I’m getting slower. Everyone else is getting faster.

113.  But I DID win = new PR.

114.  Someone swapped out my gel packets for hot sauce.

115.  My sprint ran away and hid.

116.  Lung shrinkage over the years…

117.  My stride was off an inch.

118.  My left leg is longer than my right and I kept running in circles.

119.  I’m exhausted from carrying my ego around with me all the time.

110.   I stopped for a smoke halfway thru.

111.   Too much taper and not enough tempo.

112.   I carbo-loaded with too many chocolate chip waffles.

113.   My tangent arc radius was too small and lateral acceleration too great. Gravity won.

114.   Shooting for 50th place!

115.   Extra heavy bib pins slowed me down.

116.   My strategy of running sideways to cut wind resistance failed me.

117.   Late night race strategy session ran long and I didn’t get enough rest.

118.   Running thong—it was a bad idea from the start.

119.   I had a bad starting point.

120.   Sweat got in my eyes. The worst part it wasn’t MY sweat.

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